Heading Back
"Lynette, I'm glad you decided to come on the McMission, as Mari calls it," said Ellie.
"Oh, I needed an adventure. Besides, I haven't really had a chance to meet this Frogman person."
"I don't think Frogman can be classified as a person," said Lynette's fiance Ernie (also along for the ride).
"No, he can't be," said Ellie, "though he is a prince in his species. Now, when we get to the frogship- actually, once we're in orbit- we'll cut all radio contact with the airfield. Airport. Air traffic control. Whatever. By ten-fifteen Calypso time, Frogman will be back on earth, trying to collect his 'tads.' He'll be there at least two hours. Marianna and Dava are creating a... diversion, shall we say."
"Marianna is creating a diversion? Oh no!" cried Lynette. "I hope it's not the kind of diversion I remember from our high school days!"
"Paintballing underclassmen? Not quite. You'll see, though. You remember what I told you about breaking into the ship? Silence is most important."
"I promise not to trip and break any bones. Or get deadly lacerations or burns. Or anything else I would normally do in a situation where it matters." Lynette raised her hand in the Girl Sprouts signal.
"Girl Sprouts' honor, eh?" said Ernie. "Good enough for me!"
"Okay, shh!" said Ellie. "Fly-One to Control. We are approaching orbit and will cut off radio contact shortly."
"Good luck on your mission, Miss Zabul."
"Thank you, sir. See you in two hours." She cut off the radio. They were alone in space. (Lynette decided to scream, to see if anyone would hear her. Ellie and Ernie did. Lynette's mouth was gagged shut for the rest of the ride.)
"Hello, Marianna," Dream said perplexedly.
"You seem perplexed," greeted Mari.
"Very astute, Mari. Yes. I don't know what's going on. I thought I liked Sean."
"Uh-huh."
"He went back to Texas, and now Uly is playing in the NSO, and when I see him sitting where Sean used to, I feel the same way toward him that I used to toward Sean."
"Maybe you're in love with the chair. Tell me, have you ever been strangely attracted to an inanimate object in the past?"
"Marianna!" cried Dream, somewhere between indignant and hysterical. "Seriously, what's wrong with me?"
"Nothing! Maybe you just missed playing in an orchestra with Uly, and you were willing (subconciously, of course), to substitute any violinist. Sean just happened to be in your line of sight every day."
"You think so?"
"Oh, yeah! At least, it works for me."
"Hey, did you say 'Uly'? You usually call him UPChuck."
"Well," sighed Marianna, "I've been doing a lot of unusual things lately."
"Let's move." And they did, silently attaching Fly-One to the Frogship (His Royal Amphibiousness' Ambassador and boarding through a removed porthole. The lackeys were asleep, and Mac was out of his force field.
"I'm so glad to see you!" he whispered. Ellie paused. She'd never actually seen Mac- she'd been out of town when Mari was married, and hadn't been at the Club when he was in recent weeks. Now, she was thinking he was pretty good looking. His deep tan, blond hair, and hazel eyes were a complement to Mari's pale skin and dark features. "Ellie, right?" he asked. "And you are..."
"Lynette, and my fiance Ernie."
"Pleased to make your acquaintance," he nodded. "The frogs are asleep. I just want to get a few information discs I believe are compatible with our computers. They may contain invaluable information about the Amphibian culture... and their proposed attack on Earth."
Mac led the way to the ship's bridge and attempted to remove the discs from a storage area. Suddenly, an alarm went off. Lynette jumped, startled, and slammed into a control panel. By amazing serendipity, she hit the panel that controlled the alarm system. The alarm shut off, but unfortunately the frogs had already awakened and were rushing to the bridge.
Mac grabbed a fork-shaped object and handed it to Ellie. "When they come in, point the prongs at the skinny, spotted one and hum an E-flat!"
"An E-flat? I don't have perfect pitch!"
"Hum anything then- just try to hit an E-flat!" Mac grabbed another odd-looking weapon and tossed it to Ernie. "This one operates by squeezing the trigger- aim at the fat one's throat. Lynette, you and I can take the third with our bare hands."
"Okay," said Lynette. The frogs burst in, Weis first. Ernie aimed his weapon and shot. A tiny dart flew out and hit Weis in the neck, paralysing him. Er tripped over Weis's prone body, and as he struggled to get up, Ellie hummed wildly. She hit an E-flat, and he winced. The prongs of the fork vibrated, sending nearly-visible sound waves toward Er. But that didn't stop him. He lunged toward Ellie.
Ernie threw himself at Er from the side, knocking the frog to the ground. Ellie dropped her weapon, which hadn't really seemed to help much, and ran to help Ernie beat up Er. Meanwhile, Mac and Lynette were struggling with Bud. For all he was skinny and stupid, Bud was one strong frog, and a good fighter. Lynette had him round the neck, Mac was delivering blows to Bud's stomach, but Bud was still holding his own. Finally, Lynette head-butted But, knocking him out.
Ellie had kicked Er into submission (unconciousness, whatever), and Weis was still out from the dart. Now Mac took a few discs, and Ellie shepherded everyone into Fly-One.
Back on Earth, Frogman was having a little problem...
"Where are the tads?" he asked. Of course, no one answered him, since there was on one in Doreen's apartment. Usually, there were anywhere from six to sixteen little green-complexioned kiddies running around. A hot-pink piece of paper caught Frogman's eye.
Dear Frogman- No tads? Wherever could they be? Why don't
you try the courthouse- your trial for criminal neglect and false representation is in less than an hour.
Prepare to lose custody.
The note wasn't signed, but Frogman knew Marianna had left it. No one else in Layla:) had hot-pink stationery. Glaring, Frogman stomped his way to the courthouse.
Dream and UPChuck had their hands full. Marianna had somehow conned them into babysitting Doreen and Frogman's children. Marina and Pollythene were helping, but the sixteen kids were way too much to handle.
"Remind me never to have kids," said Dream.
"You don't mean that," said UPChuck, trying to hide his alarm.
"No, but... I'm going insane!"
"You're always going insane, Aunt Dream," said Polly. "Think of it as a permanent state of mind, and you'll be able to handle it better."
"Thanks, Pollythene. You're starting to sound like your mother."
"Gods forbid. Here, change Maddie's diaper. I have to get Mike to take his bottle."
"Would someone like to untie me?!" screamed Marina. "I'm gonna sue my mother for having this many freaky kids with that freaky alien frog!" Marina had somehow gotten her hands bound behind her back by Tad and Lily.
"You will never defeat the Great Prince GeRitt of Amphibia, mammal!" cried Tad. "And you, narrator! Call me Prince Tad, if you want to keep your job when we take over Earth!" Okay. Prince Tad was picked up by UPChuck and suspended from the ceiling fan.
"It's only eight feet," UPChuck said, seeing the look on Dream's face. "It won't hurt if he falls."
"You misinterpreted that look, Uly! I think it's funny," Dream laughed. "Too bad we can't hang them all up."
"I don't see why not," said Pollythene. "There're still three blades to this fan, and there are fans elsewhere in the house." She pulled apart the last knot on Marina's wrists.
"It'll keep them out of trouble, anyway. Let's see if we can't get the ones who can walk taken care of. The younger three or four should be okay on the floor." UPChuck grabbed Lily- excuse me, Princess Lily- and put her on the living room fan with her brother. Pretty soon there were thirteen little frogs kicking their feet in the air.
"Frogman, I really don't see why you have to kick the table," said Dava. "All I said was that there's no way you can win this case."
"What do you know, anyway?"
"He knows quite a bit, Frog-face," retorted Marianna. "For instance, what you're thinking right now. Remember? Wizard, telepathy, magick, also a darn good lawyer..."
"Thanks Marianna," Dava said. "Why don't you sit down now? Both of you. Have a drink of water, Frogman. You look parched."
"No kidding I'm parched. I haven't had a drink in hours."
"Poor Frogman," Marianna said as Dava walked away. "Or should I say, poor Prince GeRitt. Frogs need to be hydrated all the time, don't they?"
"How much do you know, anyway?"
"Enough to get you convicted." Marianna turned and walked away. She'd need her brain working when she got on the witness stand. Now, she sat directly behind Dava. He would need her to make his case, seeing as he was working on very short notice.
The judge came in and the trial began. And since I know nothing about trial proceedings, we'll just say that an hour later, Frogman was convicted and locked up.
"Your exile will commence in twenty-four hours. You will not be allowed back on Earth for... ever," said the judge. "I think that is fair. I also rule that Doreen Flagg, who did not show up to defend herself against charges of neglect, is a neglectful parent. Both parents have now lost custody privliges of the sixteen children, and said children are now wards of the state."
"Case closed," Dava said, turning to Marianna. "Although now we'll have to deal with a full-force invasion of Earth."
"Of course. Life would not be complete without an invasion," smiled Marianna. "Now, let's head to the airfield. We need to see Prince GeRitt back to space... and welcome back our triumphant rescue squad!"
By Sunday morning, things had settled down considerably. Marianna and Mac had had their date on Saturday night, and had stayed out late walking on the beach. Marina and her two older siblings were taking care of the 'tads,' who were living with UPChuck for the time being. The older ones had been de-brainwashed by Marina and Pollythene (with help from Dava), and were behaving themselves... as much as ten and eleven year olds usually do. Doreen had split up with Aaron, who was back with Lucy, and was moping around the Club Sunday night. Marianna was considering sending her up to the Ambassador in Fly-One, just to get her out of the way.
"Marianna, you can't be thinking of that! Doreen needs to learn to live on her own, not be dependent on a male all of her life," said Dream.
"Somehow, I don't think that's possible. But speaking of persons dependent on a person of the opposite sex, how's UPChuck been doing?"
"Very funny, Marianna," said UPChuck, sitting down at the bar. "I'm not dependent on any female." Mari raised her eyebrows. "I'm doing fine, thanks, except for those sixteen kids you dumped on me."
"He likes having kids around," said Dream. "Reminds him of his little brother and sister. Times eight..." Dream projected a thought to Marianna: And he's been really patient with me, too, letting me figure out for myself what kind of relationship I want.
Marianna responded: What kind would that be?
Dream: Haven't figured it out yet. But at least he isn't pressuring me. "I think I'll go congratulate Ellie, Lynette, and Ernie."
"You do that," said Marianna. "UPChuck, 'sup? You two back together for good, or what?"
"I'm not taking your advice, Marianna, and it's working out quite well. She still isn't as close as I'd like, but it's getting better. We went to see Great Expectations last night."
"Yeah? Mac and I saw Titanic... I think it's the first time I ever cried at a movie."
"Really? Did you cry when Jack died?"
"No, I cried when old Rose threw the necklace into the ocean... and when she died and went back, sort of, to the ship, and Jack was waiting for her." Marianna smiled, remembering. "Poor Mac, he must have been wetter than the ship by the time I got through with sobbing."
"Cried all over him, did you? Us guys put up with so much from you girls." He grinned good-naturedly. A large group of cheerfully drunk persons came over just then, saving UPChuck from being good-naturedly punched in the arm by Mari.
"Hey!" cried Marianna, "another round of drinks for the victorious crew of Fly-One!" Lynette, already halfway through her second Pina Colada, raised her glass in a toast, then lost her balance and fell into Ernie's arms.
"Hi!"
"No," said Ernie, "high." The entire group dissolved into giggles. The only sober people present, Ellie, Zachariah (the air traffic controller who wished Ellie good luck), Dream, UPChuck, and Marianna, shook their heads at Lynette, Ernie and the other air traffic controllers. Then Neil served up another round of drinks.
"Ellie," whispered Mari, "are you developing a thing with Zachariah?"
"Yeah, I think I am! I fell in love with his voice, when we were landing. I'm glad he was there to talk me through the landing- I don't think I could have done it otherwise!"
"Good for you! Y'know, I think there might be something happening between me and Mac, now that he's interested."
"Marianna, for as long as I've known you, you've been against arranged marriages. Don't tell me you're changing your mind now. Although Mac is sort of cute."
"Cute, but occasionally intolerable. I prefer Neil, really I do, but I'm going to try to make this work, at least until Mac gives up."
"You're letting a man run your life?" asked Dream.
"Hardly. I'm just appeasing him. I do that with most guys I know. I have to keep them happy, because the majority are larger and stronger than I."
"Just don't go falling in love with Mac!" said Ellie. "That would change things too much around here."
"Yes," agreed Dream, "just having him around is weird. To have you tolerate that presence is unthinkable!"
"Thanks, guys. I'm glad you have so much faith in me."
"I did it!" cried Daniela, flying into the Club and throwing her arm around Marianna's neck. "I finally did it!"
"Did what? Caught Esteban?"
"Yeah, that too. I invented a table without legs! It's great! We'll never bump our feet on table legs again! It works on an anti-gravity principle I found in Ellie's information from the Frogship..." Daniela babbled on, the newly conquered Esteban gazing at her in admiration (Daniela must be a Wizardess, with hypnotic powers- that's the only way to explain it).
"So that's where she's been. Inventing legless tables with Esteban," mused Marianna to whomever happened to be listening. "Daniela," she interrupted her sister, "make me three of those tables, and we'll see if the Club Patrons like them. Product testing, y'know?"
"Cool, Mari. I'll set someone to work on it right away. Gimme a Bahama Mama, I'm gonna dance tonight." Once again, Daniela DeSka, Dancin' Queen, was the centre of attention at Club Calypso. This time, though, her partner was Esteban E. Room... the rest of Shoebox looked on sadly at their friend.
"All is lost, when we have lost Esteban," said Nicolas.
"No, all is lost if you lose me," said Jens. A short, perky blonde on his arm pulled him out to the dance floor.
"What an ego," said Natan.
"Yup, she sure is a looker," said Nicolas. "Ow!" he cried, as Princess Coli and Ursula Welles bopped him on the head. He was between girlfriends- slowly breaking up with Ursula, moving toward Coli. In the meantime, the two were good enough friends to share him. They also went out on the floor, to dance as a group.
"C'mon, Mr. Beirut," said Cera. "We're going to dance."
"Okay, Ms. Queen."
Pretty soon, everyone was dancing, and having a grand old time. Only a few of them knew what was happening miles above the earth...
"I can't go back on Earth, they say! Well, I'll show them! And, I'll reprogram my kids!" Prince GeRitt was storming around the Frogship.
From sickbay, Er and Weis groaned. The tuning-fork Ellie had used against Er had paralysed his poison sacs- a life-saving occurence. Er could have killed the entire rescue squad and Mac in less than five seconds, with squirts of poison to their faces. Weis had been paralysed by a formaldehyde dart, courtesy of Ernie. Bud was the only frog not out of commission, although he had been knocked unconscious. He was very resilient, as the very stupid often are.
"Bud! Get me a beer!" shouted GeRitt. "I have to relax, collect my thoughts, before the troops arrive from Amphibia next week. I hope those humans enjoy their little parties before we crush them!" He laughed evilly as he watched the revelry at the Club. Then he switched the viewscreen to a surveillance camera shot of the inside of Dava's house. "Better keep a close eye on that Wizard," mumbled the Prince. "Don't want him to cause too much trouble." Dava, noticing the psychic hatred projected at him, looked up from the work he was doing, and glared at the camera. We will destroy you, he thought to GeRitt. Do not doubt the power of Earth.
See y'all next week, when half the men at Club Calypso decide to be stupid and try to save the Earth... and when the women band together to save the men. Of course that's what happens when a woman writes the stories! And there'll be some fun stuff involving Ellie, Lynette, and some other neglected characters...