Torture and Torturo



"I don't see why you can't keep him; his family doesn't want him back," said Crown Prince GeRitt of Amphibia. Miles above Earth, the lily-pad shaped spaceship orbited endlessly. "However, his country may be interested in any knowledge he gains of our society... yes, you had better keep him. And don't let him escape!"
"Sure, boss!" chorused the lackeys Weis, Bud, and Er.
The Prince, better known on Earth as Frogman, cringed. "Stop calling me boss! You should- you must- call me 'Your Majesty'!"
"Thank you, Your Majesty," said Bud. "I never had a pet before."
"Just... don't kill it," said Frogman. "We can use it as a bargaining tool when we take over the Earth in a few years. After the tads are old enough to help fight."
"Aw, you got tads, boss- I mean, Your Majesty?" said Weis.
"Yeah. Unfortunately, they're part mammal, but at least they're scaly and webbed. Want to see pictures?" The prince took out his wallet, flipping past his drivers' license and social security card. "This is Doreen, the female human."
"Nice concubine, Sire," said Er. "For a human, anyway."
"These are the eldest twins, Tad and Lily. They're eleven now. Tad will be a fine prince, if we can get rid of the hair. Lily might be a good second wife to a lesser noble, or to my brother."
"I've never seen eyes the color of the rare sapphire stone!" said Bud.
"They call it 'blue.' Much of their planet is blue-" here he gestured at the viewscreen- "the water, the sky..." He turned to the next picture. "Here is Paul, which is the human version of Pole. He is ten. Next are Bob and George, ages nine and eight. They will be called GeRitt, Jr., and Bog, on Amphibia. Here are the seven-year-old twins, Ann and Phoebe-"
"Lemme guess, boss!" Bud interjected. "I mean, Your Majesty. Am and Phibia."
"Yes, Bud. Now SHUT UP!!" GeRitt continued. "Swannie/Swampie, age six. Twins, age five, Lake (the female) and River (the male). Marsha, age four. Catherine/Cat-tail, age three. Twin two-year-olds, Robert/Ribbit and Corey/Croak. The one-year-old, Mike/Muck. And the newborn, three months old, Maddie/Muddie."
"I commend you on your ability to name the children aptly, Your Majesty," said Weis.
"Your concubine is very fertile!" said Er.
"That is why she was chosen. Also, the one called Dream was not... responsive to my advances."
"Wasn't there one... six Earth months ago... called Heyward?" asked Weis.
"Kiri Heyward. Yes, she was to return Doreen's attentions to me; she had been wandering to the one called UPChuck. You have a good memory, Weis. Except when it come to kidnapping the right mammal! I'm lucky you didn't come back with a cow!"

Back on Earth, or more specifically, outside the Brono-Nett Auditorium...
"Yaaah! Awrright! Yee-ha! Oh, joy, oh, rapture, oh-my-god!" Ivory Jade Goldstein was jumping up and down on the sidewalk in front of the Auditorium. The cause of her "joy, oh, rapture"? She got the lead female role! "I'm Kerrey, I'm Kerrey! Oh, I'm so happy!" She then promptly ran the three miles to Club Calypso to spread the good word.
Back on the sidewalk, Karina Brono seethed. "I was supposed to be Kerrey," she said to Inda. "The character's based on me, for Pete's sake."
"Who is Pete, anyway? But honey," he said, seeing her face, "Ivory could play the part better. You were too understated."
"I can be ridiculously overdramatic!"
Don't I know it, thought Inda. "Kerrey isn't based on you, either. That's a rumour. The play is based on nothing but my imagination."
"But I thought you had no imagination. I mean, that's what everybody says..."
"Everybody says a lot of things, don't they?"
"So Adam isn't you? And Noah isn't your brother P.C.? And Lauren isn't Doreen?"
"Of course not. Let's go home and change for dinner. I'm taking you to Chez Pierre tonight, then dancing at Club Calypso."
"I don't want to go to Club Calypso. It's so... low-class."
"It is not low-class, it is high-class. It has the best bands in Layla:), the best drinks in western Layla:)- I still prefer Foret de Reves coffee over anything- and it's the only club in Layla:) that isn't frequented by drug-dealers and prostitutes." And, he thought, I can find some intelligent conversation there, or at least a good fight.

Marianna was in the kitchen at Club Calypso, dealing with a grocery boy. This particular grocery boy had not realized that: A. bread is squishable, and B. eggs are breakable. Mari was trying to patiently explain to him that he had screwed up royally and must now go back to the store to get replacements. Patience wasn't working. She tried the screaming tactic, which worked a lot better.
"Marianna!" cried Ivory. "I got the part!" This came while Ivory was still outside the Club. Marianna ran to the dance floor, where she collided with Ivory coming in, and proceeded to listen to a five-minute, one-breath discourse on why the part of Kerrey was so great.
"Okay, okay, sh, quiet, sh." Mari patted Ivory's shoulders in an attempt to keep her from jumping up and down. "Calm down. Breathe."
"Okay, I'm very, very excited." The waitresses were looking on in quasi-fear.
"Come sit down at the bar. Actually with all that energy, you ought to waitress tonight."
"No! No waitressing! I did not waitress for ten years to finally get a lead role and then waitress some more!"
"Okay! Hey, we open in ten minutes. Can you at least help get the chairs off of the tables?"
"Sure." They worked, Ivory chattering away, until Dava came in just before six.
"Hi, Marianna. Ivory, I really don't think you want to be here tonight." Ivory stared at Dava, worry creeping across her face. Ever since Dava had predicted Pez's death, his psychic powers were taken more seriously.
"It's Karina Brono. She's after you."
"If I stay, will I get killed?"
"I really-"

"Will I get killed, Dava." Ivory had a determined look on her face. "Yes or no, because if not, I'm staying. I'm not one to run away from a fight, especially with a whiny little girl like Karina."
"No. I wasn't even going to warn you, since it's not life-threatening. Ellie and Daniela were there when I got the psychic impulse from Karina, though, and they said I should tell you."
"Ellie wanted me to be safe?" asked Ivory. "But she hates me!"
"My sister was being nice?" asked Marianna. "That Daniela? My sister? Daniela DeSka? Actually, what was she doing with you and Ellie? No offence, but that's not a normal combination of people."
"I can't reveal motives, okay? It's policy, and I shouldn't even have warned you. I might get in trouble for this... well, maybe not, if you stay." People were starting to come in now, so Dava bid Mari farewell, and bid Ivory fare-okay.
"Strange guy, that's for sure," said Marianna.
"I'm not the one who dated him," countered Ivory.
"Hey, that was... a lot of years ago. He was different then. I was different then. I have to go," she said abruptly, then walked to the stage where Myskalogy was setting up.

Back on the Frogship...
"Hey, Yer Majesty!" said Bud. "The human is just sitting here, not doing anything. He won't touch his food, he won't play."
"Of course not, idiot! Humans don't eat insects!" Frogman shook his head. Had it taken him this long to figure out human behaviours, fifteen years ago? Probably not, having had more humans to observe.
Mac Trench was now dressed in robes similar to Frogman's, his own cargo pants, t-shirt, and bomber jacket having been confiscated for analysis. Weis had claimed the jacket, Bud the pants, and Er the shirt. Mac's robes were a murky purple, splattered with dried mud and swampgrass from the time Prince GeRitt had worn them in a war against the Lizards. They stank beyond belief, and Mac was obviously trying not to throw up because of the stench. He was also warily regarding an offering of crickets, grasshoppers, and other jumping insects, with flied rice on the side.
"What do you think I should feed him, Sire?" asked Bud.
"I don't know... why don't you get him something from the refrigerator of human foods I retrieved for our research teams?" The Prince turned back to the viewscreen, where he was trying to calculate the best time to return to Earth. He had Club Calypso on the screen right now, and was watching Doreen dance with Aaron Gear. If she stayed at the Club long enough, he could return, take the tads, and get back to the ship without her notice. He doubted she would notice the missing children.
Bud, meanwhile, had taken a few things out of the refrigerator and laid them down in front of Mac. A carrot, a slice of cheesecake, a beer, a raw t-bone steak, and pasta salad... Mac took inventory. Well, the steak was definitely not a possibility. Not only was it raw, but Mac was a vegetarian. The carrot was okay, and the pasta. Mac also didn't drink, so the beer was out, and he decided he would only eat the cheesecake if he was still hungry after the pasta. At least they weren't trying to torture him. He just wished he understood the Amphibian language! Five years each of French, Latin, Spanish, German, Mandarin Chinese, and Croatian, he thought, and none is doing me a bit of good at understanding this language of croaks and... and... whatever those noises could be called!

"Marianna," said Karina. "I love what you've done with the place..."
"Whatever, Karina. What do you want?"

"Mari, just tolerate her. Please," mouthed Inda.
"Oh, I just want to know if you've seen my dear friend Ivory Jade Goldstien this evening."
"Karina, we're here to dance, not to kill my leading lady," said Inda.
"Lady, my arse!" said Karina, "and that's being polite!"
Inda's eyes apologized to Marianna as Karina spotted Ivory. She took off for the opposite end of the Club, where Ivory was chatting away with Jens and some blonde.
"Inda, it's okay. Ivory's more than prepared. Oh, I've stopped charging for the modems again, if you want to use the one at the bar." Marianna shrugged. "Marina had used Polly's modem to access FBI files... that was the reason for the charge in the first place."
"I told her not to use traceable modems! Of course she doesn't listen to me... she doesn't listen to her mother, either, thank goodness, but she's got to be more careful."
"I'll keep an eye on her. But she'd really appreciate it if you supported her a little... umm... financially. I know it's none of my business, but she's a teenager. She needs a lot of stuff. She should be going to school, too."
"She's not going to school?" asked Inda. "She's so smart, though. I saw her looking at my old Calculus textbook, and she was working the problems through perfectly, and quickly. She must be going to school."
"Nope. She is almost at a college level, though. Polly's only a bit behind her (I'd still like to know why Polly's mind has developed at three times the normal rate), and both of them should be in a real school... I leave textbooks around, and they've managed to educate themselves. But they're both so smart, especially Polly, that no school around here feels qualified to teach them."
"I had no idea... can we talk later? I have to retrieve Karina before she breaks something."
"Oh, yes, please restrain your fiancee. I hold you responsible... you had to go and cast Ivory."
"Aren't you glad for her?"
"Go get Karina, dumb@$$!"
Karina at this point was threatening to punch Ivory. Ivory was waiting, taunting Karina, "Oh, go ahead and punch me. You couldn't hurt me!" etc.
Karina threw a punch, which Ivory blocked. Hey, we learned that block in Girl Sprouts, thought Marianna. Ivory then abandoned anything she had ever learned, and decided to simply charge at Karina. As she flew forward, her fists connected with Karina's stomach, but Karina managed to rid her body of air before the wind could be knocked out of her. Karina responded by yanking on a handful of Ivory's hair, at which point someone yelled "Catfight!" and a circle formed around them.
Ivory sunk her fingernails into Karina's arm, forcing her to let go of Ivory's hair. "You little-!" Karina shouted, grabbing ahold of Ivory's arm and shoving her into the wall. Ivory hit the wall with her right shoulder, jarring it enough that her right arm was numb for a moment. She used the moment to throw the dead arm at Karina's head, hitting her squarely on the ear and driving her earring-post into her neck. "Ha! Take that!" Karina squealed in pain, but turned right around and randomly kicked in Ivory's direction. The foot hit Ivory in the thigh and bounced off, knocking Karina off of her other foot. She hit the floor with a bump and a thwack (I like thwack, it's a good noise!), and hit her head sufficiently to forget her purpose at the Club.
Inda collected Karina, dragging her out the door. Ivory waited until they were gone, then slumped to the floor, bruised but not badly injured.
Marianna sent the bouncer, Oskar der Schweigent, after Inda with a bandage for Karina. No sense in getting blood all over Calypso Beach, after all. Then Mari went to the bar to fix a drink for Ivory.
"What is this?" asked Ivory, when Marianna handed her the viscous, grey-pink drink.
"I call it the Repair Kit. Gelatin and protein powder to fix your hair and nails. Bananas for potassium, orange juice for vitamin C (to ward off diseases)... a shot of rum for taste."
"Okay. Rum is good." Ivory sipped the Repair Kit. "Not bad, actually."
"Oh, dear, I'm serving health food that tastes good!" cried Marianna. "Whatever shall we do?"
"I'm sure you'll figure something out," Ivory said patronizingly (no, matronizingly). Marianna went back to the bar.
"Why doesn't Dream like me?"
Marianna sighed. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. "She likes you, UPChuck. Why, what happened?"
"She won't let me kiss her," complained UPChuck. "We're supposed to be dating. Which means she should let me kiss her."
"Okay," said Mari, "that's just a little bit wrong. She shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. And you know she doesn't like physical stuff."
"But I do!" he said, exasperated. "Well, just as much as the next guy." He turned to the next guy at the bar, which happened to be Cueball, with Christianne draped on him. "Don't you like to kiss your girlfriend?"
"Yeah, I guess," said Cueball.
"He'd better," said Christianne. Marianna raised her eyebrows at Tianne. "Don't even say it, Marianna. That was told to you in confidence."
"Six years ago. Has it been resolved?"
"Not telling."
"It hasn't."
"Shut up."
"I didn't say anything." The guys looked on, mystified. (Bet you wanna know what's going on, too!)
"You're going to Hell, Marianna."
"Yep. Better than being stuck with you for Eternity."
"Don't you like me?" Tianne pouted, obviously hurt.
"What about my problem?" asked UPChuck.
"There is no problem. You guys have been on/off for what? Almost fifteen years? You're already into your old-married-couple phase. Don't push the physical stuff. Use someone else for that." Marianna smiled, half-evilly. "That's what I do. And I've only been married five years."
"That's different... you and Mac don't love each other at all. You're completely incompatible. I actually love Dream."
"Do you?"
"Of course!"
"Then ask her to marry you. That's my advice, the big official piece of advice. Option two, of course, is forget about her and find someone else. Daniela's single right now."
"Daniela!"
"I'm kidding, geez. She's busy chasing after Esteban."
"Isn't there a happy medium, though? Where I don't have to totally commit, but not give up cold turkey?"
"Well... no. Not the way I see it, seeing as you're both my friends, and you're both adults acting like children, and- aaarrrrghghghgh! I don't want to be involved, okay? I shouldn't be involved. I've never had a decent relationship, so who am I to give advice? So just marry her or something and be miserable like me."
"You're going to kill me, Marianna."
"I just might."

At home in her Layla:) Proper, Three Corners home, Karina was licking her wounds. Actually, Inda was bandaging her arm and hand, simultaneously opening his web browser to www.tide.com, in hopes of finding out how to get blood out of car upholstery.
Karina was muttering under her breath, and Inda knew it was better just to dress the wounds and go about his own business quietly (and maybe sneak away to his house on Calypso Point). Of course that wasn't going to happen.
"Inda! How could you let her beat me up like that?" He knew he couldn't win this, so he tried to escape.
"Where do you think you're going?" Karina jumped in front of the door.
"I'm going to wash the blood out of the car seat."
"You should stay here and take care of me." She glared.
"Okay. Go to bed. I'll bring you soup and tea."
"I don't want to go to bed. I'm fine." Suddenly, she dropped to the floor.
"You are not fine," Inda said to his unconcious fiancee. He half-carried her to her bed, then went to clean the blood out of his BMW.

(later, in front of Mari's beachfront home...)
"Hey, where's Ernie? I thought he would have come back with you?"
"He and the ducks are house-shopping in town," Lynette replied.
"The... ducks?"
"And geese and swans." She skipped a stone across a tidal pool, disturbing a sand crab. "They've become our family. They don't mind living in Scandinavia without cable for seven years."
Why don't I have any normal friends? thought Marianna. Oh, wait, my husband was just abducted by giant frogs from another solar system. I can't talk, can I? "Okay, I knew you lived in Scandinavia, but where did you pick up the birds, pray tell?"
"Virginia, of course."
"Ah, yes, Virginia. Along with the Virgin Islands, a popular vacation spot Doreen can't go to!"
"Eww, the D-word. How many kids does she have now?"
"Umm..." Marianna kicked the sand. "Sixteen with Frogman. One with Inda, Marina, nice kid. Two with that guy from Newshregsburg Private School."
"He killed himself."
"Oh, pleasant. Didn't any well-adjusted people come out of NPS?"
"Do you count me as well-adjusted? That's nineteen kids. How does she handle them?"
"She doesn't. The older two are sixteen, have jobs, go to school. They're living in a cottage on Surf Strip. Marina is fifteen, really smart. She doesn't go to school, but Inda tells me she can do Calculus. She hangs around the bar when she isn't at Inda's or taking care of the frog-babies."
"Doesn't Frogman take care of his kids?"
"Hardly. He lives in Newshregsburg; Doreen lives in a flat in Layla:) Proper."
"Why is Doreen so stupid?"
"Why should I care? I mean, I feel sorry for the kids, but as long as they're surviving comfortably..."
"Hmm. Why don't we go get something to eat?"
"Because my bar is closed. It's the last place to close in the entire town."
"What about your kitchen, in your house?"
"What? You mean, there's food there?"
"There just might be!" They got up, dusted the sand off their jeans, and headed back to the house.